gullybogan

Dear Reader,

You know how much i love the spectacle of a bunch of fellow bogans trapped in a house full of cameras, especially now that we can no longer watch the girls in the showers?

Yep, that’s right. Not at all.

I mean, if i want to see some bogans sitting around a living room saying stupid things to each other and fighting over who ate the last of the Pringles™, i don’t need a TV to do it.

So i was sitting around the living room last night, eating the last of the Pringles™, when it occurred to me that i should write this three-month-long parody of the Big Brother house, with my own characters, my own plot lines, my own dramas…

But then i calculated that i couldn’t be bothered, and Big Brother itself is such a self-parody that it would be redundant.

As passe as Big Brother is, though, i still feel that i have to have a pet housemate. It’s like having to have a football team – more a sense of duty than anything else.

So this year, my favourite housemate – and isn’t it great to have that word back on TV? – is going to be either Bianca or Alice.

Bianca

Let’s face it, Bianca isn’t particularly pretty. She has enormous breasts, though. And i mean YUGE breasts. They are almost anatomically impossible. She looks a little like a computer generated character that some thirteen year old has designed, a la Weird Science.

This girl has some serious cleavage going on. Each boob is bigger than her head, and the dress she wore into the house smooshed them together like when you make a Vita-Weat™ Vegemite™ sandwich, and you squish the two Vita-Weat™s together so that the Vegemite™ comes crawling out the little holes like tiny black worms.

Hilariously, Bianca thinks that she’s an intellectual because she reads books. She poses for her BB publicity shots with a copy of some intellectual-looking book held up near (but not covering) those head-sized boobs, and she’s proud that, even though boob-enraptured men trip over things when she walks past in the street, she is still soi-disant “very brainy”.

Well, we’ll see.

Alice

My second favourite, dear Reader, is Alice.

She’s a Victorian girl who spends most of her time with her elbow massaging the entrance of a cow’s vagina, while her hand is somewhere inside, checking for things that may have gone astray.

You’ve got to love that in a girl.

When she’s not doing vet science on the rear ends of cows, our Alice is being desperately single.

There is just the slightest possibility, dear Reader, that there are front rooms across Victoria’s regional areas full of young men who are pretty sure they had a snog with her at a B&S Ball.

Those young men should get out and weed the sheep, or something, and spend less time reflecting on drunken orgies they may or may not have attended with our Alice.

Since Alice spends so much time at the back end of a cow, she should probably team up with Bianca and her ginormous udders. I think she’d feel right at home.

Celebrity is for life

So, tonight, dear Reader, i’m mildly interested in the fates of these two fragile and vulnerable young celebrity wanna-bes.

Two days after they’re evicted, and they disappear from the evening update ads (i generally watch Big Brother via the ads, the same way i watched the OC), i’ll have forgotten all about them.

Yours,
Gullybogan