…and the Pink Logie for the Sexiest Woman on Australian Television goes to…

Flickr photo by pappalicious.

Dear Reader,

I’m sure that you enjoy the Logies as much as i do.

They are a precious moment, pregnant with meaning, in which the Australian TV industry gets to award a select few of its members for being best at what they do.

It is ironic – isn’t it? – that, of all the industries that there are in the world, the only one that gets to televise its self-congratulatory wankfest is the television industry itself.

Oh, and the movie industry.

The Gold Widget

In the widget industry we have a similar event, the Gold Widget, in which the best reality widget, best new widget talent, and best lifestyle widget all get awarded to the widgeteers who have done best in those fields.

I myself have never won a Gold Widget, but i did win a door prize one year. I got a Palm Pilot, which is like an address book in a calculator that keeps going flat and losing all your addresses.

What ain’t we got?

The confounding disconnect at the heart of the Logies is that integral to the whole shebang there is this wet-mouthed celebration of female flesh – the Red Carpet – but no actual award for the Sexiest Female on TV.

This is a clear oversight, but one that i can fix, dear Reader.

Here, then, are the contenders for this year’s Pink Logie.

And the nominees are…

Puffin Muffins

You may know her as the iSelect girl, the one who is always telling us that we’d be ‘puffin muffins’, ‘cuddling kookaburras’, or ‘rattlin rhinos’ to buy our health insurance any other way than via the somewhat dubious-sounding online process that iSelect offers.

Puffin (real name unknown, to me, at least) has clearly found that her evocations of bizarre verbs befalling random animals has begun to become a little tired, so she has moved on to sexual double entendres.

In one recent ad, she is skimping about in her night attire, mumbling something about getting covered. Because she’s almost naked, get it?

But the ad that wins her the nomination is the one in which everything is going up. You know, prices, her chair, an enormous phallus cactus.

The penile imagery aside, you would have to admit, dear Reader, that when her chair lifts her up from behind her desk, she reveals to us what has to be quite the nicest legs on TV.

Imagine how she’d fare in this category if she showed us her muffin!

K-Mart Backpacker at Window Girl

Lucky to be included in this category as her run on our screens was quite short, K-Mart Backpacker at Window Girl appeared in an ad for underwear at K-Mart during possibly March and possibly April… it’s a blur.

The ad featured a whole village of ppl dressed only in underwear, complemented with the odd accessory.

Our nominee here was wearing a backpack, a hat, and peering in a shop window.

What gets her a nomination berth here is that fact that in the course of raising herself up on one leg to look in the shop window, she puts on display for the viewers what we used to call at my high school “a three inch gap”.

I blush somewhat to admit now, dear Reader, that when i first heard that term as an adolescent, i thought it had something to do with the shape of a girl’s cleavage.

Marieke Hardy

Smart is the new black when it comes to sexy, and Marieke has smart down pat.

She writes for the Green Guide, penning by word processor a weekly cynical excursion through the tv landscape from the perspective of a Gen Xer, and she also appears (audibly) on Triple J as a morning presenter, in which she is… cynical.

And smart.

She also has an erotic fiction tribute website that you can read at your peril, but that is not why she’s here.

It is for her appearance on First Tuesday Bookclub that she earns this nomination.

Any young woman who uses the book that she’s reading at that moment to keep all her bills and correspondence in, like a portable briefcase, definitely earns a nomination for the Pink Logie while i’m running the contest, let me tell you.

Jols Belly Girl

It’s not a new ad, but its return to our screens has re-ignited for many the love affair with the belly of the Jols girl.

You know the ad: there’s this incredibly wholesome pair of girls in what appears to be a library. One takes out something from a packet that she keeps in a pocket that gives the camera an excuse to zoom in on her tummy. Then there’s a vacuous discussion about Jols not being a mint, and the other girl ends the ad by saying, “Jols, Baby!”.

Well, the girl with the belly gets a nomination, because you can’t go wrong on Australian TV with a pretty tummy.

And the winner is…

The Australian TV viewing public, clearly.

Interestingly, the girls in the Bonds ads didn’t get nominations here, despite the fact that there is not much more sexiest than a bunch of incredibly fit young women with pony tails doing formation dance routines in their underwear.

Go figure.

I blame TV Week.

Yours,
Gullybogan