gullybogan

Flickr photo by Gavin Anderson.

Dear Reader,

It was with some mild bemusement that i heard on the news this arvo that less than two hours into its operating life, Eastlink had recorded its first car crash.

Later, news came through that the first speeding ticket had been awarded, to a luckless P-plater who probably should have known better (that’s an opinion, and i can’t be sued for expressing an opinion, i don’t think – it’s not slander, or libel, if it’s just an opinion, right?).

In the warm afterglow of these events, i went back to my trusty guide to Eastlink, published last week sometime in the Herald Sun, to see what the powers that be had to say about safety on this new multilane deathtrap.

Premier Brumby had a lot to say about how it would

• cut traffic on [his government's poorly planned] arterial roads by up to 30% [a politician using a statistic - must be true]
• bypass fifty traffic lights on Springvale Road [see poorly planned infrastructure, above] and thus reduce petrol consumption [see poorly planned infrastructure, above]
• boost ‘our’ [his] economy by $15 billion and create 6500 jobs [no details as to how, or where, or when, or over how long]
• provide cyclists a poison-shrouded bike path 35km long, lying in the shadow of the superhighway [not his exact words]
• allow him to say gateway, sustainability, productivity, livability, and some other buzzwords
• save up to thirty minutes travel time, if the travel is over the whole length, and that thirty minutes saved will be quality time that families can spend together.

But nothing about safety.

Not much quality in that time, Mr Brumby, if the family is spending it trapped in a car on fire in a tunnel.

Oh, and BTW, it takes forty minutes to get to Frankston from here using the existing free roads. With the Eastlink, it will take thirty. Big whoop.

Then i checked John Gardiner, Managing Director of ConnectEast, a company in such a hurry that they don’t even put gaps in their name, cos that would just slow things down.

He congratulates us on our purchase, and points out that Eastlink will simply ooze

• economic benefits
• reliability and SAFETY [tick] for motorists
• memorable driving experiences
• free-flow travel
• distinctive architecture and urban design (?)
• good returns on the ASX
• affordability and customer service
• friendly face-to-face service

At least Mr Gardiner had the presence of mind to mention safety, in amongst all the other stuff. But if my memorable driving experience includes freely-flowing into a wall, albeit a wall of distinctive architecture and urban design, then i’m afraid the friendly face-to-face customer service is going to be lost on me, John.

And what, btw, do you mean by ‘urban design’?

Vague, much? Do you understand what it means yourself, or are you just repeating it?

But it is reassuring to hear that Eastlink will be making money for its 30,000 investors.

I’m so happy for the investors.

Aren’t you, dear Reader?

Now if the government could only somehow work out how to privatise the water supply, then everything would be just plum dickety.

Yours,
Gullybogan