KB951748 Tuesday 080715~23:48
Posted by gullybogan in Gadgets, Gizmos, iThings.Tags: chick magnets, Chicks, iPhone, Microsoft updates, ZoneAlarms
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Dear Reader,
I feel sorry for the guys at ZoneAlarm.
The weekend was shaping up beautifully for them. They’d just spent eleven hours lining up outside a Telstra shop to sign away $8400 over a two year contract in exchange for the ultimate chick magnet.
ZA Nerd #2: «So explain again how this is going to help us get chicks?»
ZA Nerd #1: «Mate, when the chicks see this, they’ll be all fricken over us!»
ZA Nerd #2: «I don’t get it. How does it work, this chick magnet thing?»
ZA Nerd #1: «Look. We just have to bide our time, wait till it’s dark, then get ourselves to one of these ‘night club’ places, whip out the trusty ol’ iPhone, and – mate! – our lives will turn into the glossy illustrated section of a gynaecologist’s text book!»
And so, anticipating both the hot, wet, tight embrace of female companionship ***AND*** the chance to play with their new iPhones, the ZoneAlarm workers left the Telstra shop, duly turned up for work, and prepared themselves mentally for a slow, lazy Friday of dozing off their queue sleep-deficit and dreaming of gadget-entranced poontang.
And then their whole world turned to shit.
Updates Are Ready To Futz Up Your Computer
Microsoftcock™ is in the habit of regularly releasing ‘updates’ to their software, as you well know, dear Reader.
Their quality control is very thorough.
When the new update is ready to roll out to the world, the technician guys knock on Mr Gates’s office door and ask if it’s ok to use the big, proper computer to try something out.
Mr Gates usually lets them (cos he’s retiring soon and he no longer gives a damn), so they install the update on his Microsoftcock™-only PC, and – if it will still run Microsoftcock™ Flight Simulator© – they high five each other, leave, and roll the update out to hundreds of millions of unsuspecting users all over the world.
Unhappily, the big, proper computer in Mr Gates’s office doesn’t have ZoneAlarm installed on it.
The way, you know, pretty much every other PC on the planet running Windoze has.
When All The Web Is ‘Try Again?’ Coloured
Update KB951748 did something weird to the security bits inside the computer; something weird with the result that the browser could no longer see the web. Or the modem, or any internal addresses, for that matter. Nada.
I tried everything i knew, and then i gave up and rang my ISP, who advised me (once i got through to the end of the phone queue) to turn off ZoneAlarm, and that would fix the problem.
So, i laughed, what was the other solution?
He suggested that since it was a ZoneAlarm problem, i should ring ZoneAlarm, which i did, and their recorded announcement advised me that Nerd #1 and Nerd #2 had been up all night – their wicks undipped, new iPhones notwithstanding – working on a release of ZoneAlarm that wasn’t mindfutzed by KB951748.
All i had to do to fix the Microsoftcock™ fix was to download 50Mb of new ZoneAlarm and do a complete clean reinstall.
And that fixed it.
Well done, Nerds #1 and #2!
Eat shit, Microsoftcock™!
I’m sending over to ZoneAlarm a couple of nice girls i know, to show my gratitude.
They’re big iPhone fans.
Yours,
Gullybogan
Luckily, my Dad is a bigger geek than I am, so I just called him. He advised a system restore, which worked like a god damn charm.
Meg >> I reckon you should get your dad to fill you out an invoice for services rendered, and then send the bill to Microsoftcock.
That’s what i’m doing – charging them for lost production time and repairs – and i don’t come cheap.
To clarify, i *am* cheap, but i don’t *come* cheap.