gullybogan

Dear Reader,

I promise i’m not going to write one of those clichéd pieces on the Melbourne Cup.

You know:

• Go on about all those pretty, drunk young fillies in their satin slips with no underwear underneath – the latter a strategem to save them from VPL embarrassment.
• Point out that if you are a fan of bare minge, Flemington on a windy Cup day is *the* place to be, on account of all those fillies and their VPL embarrassment avoidance strategems.
• Observe that high heels plus champagne is a perfect mixture for some Funniest Home Video moments.
• Remark upon male bogans in gorilla masks, tuxedo t-shirts and footy shorts being the height of masculine couture.
• etc

I’m sure you can find all that elsewhere.

I’m just going to recount to you the little tale of Princess’s Fascinator.

We noticed in the Bogan Illustrated News (the Herald-Sun) this ad for FREE Fascinator making, courtesy of Lincraft.

The making is free, but you have to pay for the bits you use.

We decided this was a great fun thing to do on Monday, since Mister Widget had given the entire Manufactory the day off, and since Princess had a charity thing to go to on Cup Day that required she wear a Fascinator.

So we got ourselves to Lincraft Knox City.

The previous night, on Kath & Kim (the tedious Australian version), Kath had gotten off her face on chill pills on the afternoon of her TAFE course’s final assessments on Fascinator design, the predictable result being she turned up with a whole lot of random shit stuck onto a ‘hat’ (all brim, no crown) that won the prize for best absurdist piece.

Our expectations of Fascinator designery opportunities were consequently very high.

What we found, though, was some inverted buckets made of stiff netting, and some breast-pad sized circlets with hair combs attached.

And feathers.

Princess picked up a bright red circlet and considered it carefully.

« Is this meant to be a hat, or a brooch? »

« It’s a hat, Princess. If you wore it as a brooch, it’d be a Titillator, not a Fascinator. »

We surveyed the feathers, looking for something that didn’t look like a feather duster, or the aftermath of a featherduster vs dog encounter. After some time, we found something that looked quite nice, and not too Ossie Ostrich. We tried to attach it to the breast-pad.

Without success.

« Maybe i could just get a fishing lure instead, and sit that on top of my head. That’d be just as Fascinating. Moreso, probably. »

« Fishing lures are about tempting the prey to eat. Fascinators are about tempting the prey to sex. »

She put down the feather she was fiddling with. « How do you figure? Or is everything about sex according to you. »

« Well, » i began, preparing to show off my word-nerdishness (chicks love that in a guy), « To ‘fascinate’ means to make stiff. It’s cognate with the word ‘fascist’, which derives from the latin word for rods, like the rods the powerful Roman dudes carried around to hit ppl with. So, to ‘fascinate’ means to make stiff and rodlike. In other words, to give an erection to. I’m pretty sure ‘fascinum’ is the latin word for hard-on. »

She held up a pink feather and looked at me doubtfully. « This gives you an erection? »

« Maybe, but not if you’re just wearing it on your head. »

There are many things that Princess could have said or done at that point, dear Reader, and i’ll leave you to choose what you consider to be the least clichéd, and i’m more than happy for you to go ahead and convince yourself that that was what she actually did, or said.

But factor this in: she *did* buy the feather.

So, i hope you have a happy Melbourne Cup day tomorrow, dear Reader, no matter where you are, where your horse comes, or what you’re wearing: Fascinator or Fascinum.

Yours,
Gullybogan