Note to Baz: Australia is a country, not a brand

Dear Reader,

The reviews of the new tourism ad movie Australia are starting to come in, and it’s not looking good.

When Kidman’s last stinker came out (The Golden Compass), she went on the record about what she felt about the movie thus: “You win some, you lose some”.

Tonight, in a mostly incoherent appearance live on National (that’s Australian National, not Amexican National) TV, she said that she was pretty much finished with acting now, and wanted to concentrate on spawning instead.

What a pity.

In the same interview, Baz Luhrmann kept referencing Gone With The Wind when he was speaking about his own little home video. And sure, there are similarities: both use the money-in-the-bank formula of a doomed romance over the backdrop of war… actually, that’s the only similarity.

GWTW is *the* motion picture. There’s a lot of talk of ‘box office’ in the Show Business, but nothing compares with GWTW; it’s been seen by more ppl than any other film in history, and things are likely to stay that way. Also, GWTW is based on one of the top best-selling novels of all time (not a travel brochure) about the end of the world (not some unpleasantness in the skies over the fishing village of Darwin) written by a woman who was tragically killed before she could ever write anything else (not by some fancy pants fillum man who has already added unconvincing gun battles to Romeo and Juliet, and then gone on the bugger up absinthe *and* a posh Parisian strip club all in one go).

The thing i resent most is that Kidman et al can go off to their Hollywood hills homes and retire into the lap of indifference with their sprogs, but we will still have to live with being the country that that crappy Nicole Kidman vehicle was made about.

And don’t get me started on Jackman, cos then i’ll have to talk about how Baz changed the ending so that Wolverine didn’t die.

I can just see the Baz Luhrmann version of the ending of GWTW:

RHETT STOPS IN DOORWAY, TURNS TO SCARLETT

RHETT: Frankly, my dear, you’re right. What was i thinking? Get Pittypat to prepare some chittluns, we’ve got some living happily ever after to do.

THEY KISS. RHETT LEAVES FRAME, RIGHT. SCARLETT WATCHES HIM GO, HER EYES FULL OF LOVE.

SCARLETT (TO SELF): There are no chittluns, what’ll i do? Oh well, i won’t think about that now. I’ll think about that tomorrow. After all, tomorrow is another day.

SCORE SWELLS, END TITLE CARD

I’d pay good money to see that. Wouldn’t you?

Yours,
Gullybogan