gullybogan

Dear Reader,

The hottest it’s ever been in Melbourne – since the introduction of the thermometer in the nineteenth century, that is – is 45.3 degrees Celsius.

We call that day Black Friday, because everything went black as three quarters of the state burnt to the ground in firestorms caused by the extreme weather.

Thankfully, in the run of 40+ extreme weather we’ve been having over the last week, it only ever got as high as 45.1.

So that was lucky, huh.

Sure, the air smells of bushfire and the groundlight is that orange colour you get when sun shines through upper-level smoke haze, but the main topic of conversation and concern in our community is not impending holocaust, but rather how to keep our gardens looking sprightly in the heat.

Gardening Tips For Firestorm Weather

With the water shortages caused by our government’s inability to provide adequate storage infrastructure, Victorians are limited to only using water for washing vegetables in basins, and for spraying onto warped railway tracks in an effort to cool them down so the trains can run.

This means that our beautiful gardens (we used to be known as the Garden State, on our licence plates) are parched and dying.

It’s incredible to see foliage on trees and bushes actually drooping like tiny pieces of wet laundry single-pegged onto the branches. Shrubbery looks like it’s been microwaved, and grass long ago gave up that on that green fad: yellow is new green, dear Reader.

Of course, one can use one’s shower bucket to mitigate the dryness of the garden, but one would have to have twenty or thirty showers a day to keep up with the demand.

Penis Enlargement

Happily, when one does front up for one’s shower, one may notice (if one is a male) at least one improvement associated with the extreme hot weather.

I’ve discovered that my penis is now about two centimetres longer (on the flop) than under normal weather conditions. That’s an increase of almost 10%! [more like 50% - Ed.]

This remarkable inverse shrinkage seems to be in some way related to the same phenomenon that makes girl-nipples stand up in hot conditions, as long time readers will remember me noting in my previous post.

Research continues to find the link.

It occurs to me that the huge, throbbing, global penis enlargement industry could collapse if this inverse shrinkage effect becomes widely known.

While researching nipple behaviour in saunas for my last post, i found that most images on Flickr when you search “nipples + sauna” were of men in saunas. As it is a well-known fact that men seek penis enlargements not for enhanced utility with the ladies, but to improve their comparison with fellow males, perhaps inverse shrinkage is already known amongst the sauna set.

Why else would naked males gather together in hot, steamy, closed rooms, except in the hope of finding their own penis to be the largest in the room?

Public And Private Nudity

Speaking of nudity, there is an alarming increase in the number of men walking about without tops on. Had you noticed?

Sadly for those who like looking at men with their tops off (a group, dear Reader, which does not include myself), nineteen out of twenty of the men who are parading around in nothing but scungy Stubbies should really never take off their shirts except, maybe, in the event of their involvement in an horrific car crash. And even then, attending medics would be advised to cover the area with a sheet.

Far more pleasing, from my perspective, has been the top-wearing behaviour of the girls in response to the heat.

<ASIDE>Some researchers suspect a link between this latter behaviour and the inverse shrinkage phenomenon noted above: research continues…</ASIDE>

Princess has reverted to her Island Girl DNA and is now parading around the house topfree on a regular basis. I’ve tried to get her to put on her grass skirt as well, but she says it’s too scratchy.

Sybylla, while still maintaining the decorum of a bikini top during daylight hours, strips down to just her cottontails when she sleeps on the frontroom couch under the aircon at night.

So aircon is a double blessing.

Tryin’ To Loosen My Load

Which is why “load shedding” is such a disappointment to those of us who rely on aircon not just for boobies, but also for the ability to remain alive.

Hot weather is the peak use time for electricity, since everyone turns on their aircon to try to cope with the heat.

For some inexplicable reason, there’s a shortage of electricity in this state, despite our two centuries’ worth of planet-killing brown coal reserves.

Premier Brumby “misrepresented” (we used to say “lied about”, but for some reason we stopped) the size of our supply buffer. <ASIDE>Maybe he should take his supply buffer into the sauna?</ASIDE> Turns out, we didn’t have enough electricity to run the state, and he thought that if he just “misrepresented” the situation, that everything would be fine.

Because that’s how responsible government operates.

Things were so bad that they even had to scale back production at the Alcoa aluminium factory over in Portland, the one that uses approximately 80% of all the electricity generated in Victoria.

It was a quantum of solace to know, as our aircon and TV went dark, that at least we weren’t suffering as much as those poor ppl whose lives depend on getting nice, frosty, refrigerated softdrinks in cans pressed from sheets of Victorian-made aluminium.

You just have to put things into perspective in these times of crisis.

Yours,
Gullybogan