gullybogan

Dear Reader,

All of a sudden*, everyone’s gone vampire mad.

Vampires are no longer blood sucking freaks; suddenly they’re all seethy with sexual energy, and incredibly romantic, and cruelly desirable, and stuff… It’s a bit like that moment a decade or so ago when Darcy rose up out of the lake on the BBC Pride and Prejudice, but this time it’s happening for girls who’ve only ever read books that have gotten favourable reviews in Dolly.

It’s the defloration taboo, of course, all this virgin consumption that has those tweens moistening their Dora the Explorer™ undies for Edward. I wonder if they realise that.

But no good ever comes of humans and vampires intermixing. We know this, dear Reader, from Our Buffy, who fought the most complicated fights of her career against Angel, the vampire she didn’t so much want to stake, as be staked by.

So, with all this bemusing Twilight-inspired vampire worship going on, it’s good to just reflect on WWBD.

Let’s hope she’d do something like this.

BTW, did you notice at 1:09 the clear evidence that vampires now need to wear coloured contacts?

Maybe that’s to help stop them bursting into flames when the sunlight hits them.

Yours,
Gullybogan

* a guide to romance novel writing for aspiring Austens i downloaded recently suggested that “Vamps, futuristic/sci-fi, and MaleDom bondage sell the best.” – it was dated 2002. It also offered the following helpful advice to keep in mind when writing romance fiction (you might like to check this list against Twilight, if you have read/seen it, dear Reader):

1. During “forced seductions”, redeeming the hero is crucial—nobody wants to read about a rapist. Make sure that the heroine clearly wants the situation to occur by the time there is penetration.
2. Strong heroines are a must. Women are much more interested in watching an independent female give a hero a run for his money and then submit than in reading about a weak creature who is a pathetic empty vessel waiting to be filled.
3. This is a take-off on point 2: “brave resistance” = money for author; “petulant heroine” = negative reviews. There is a fine line between brave resistance, giving the alpha male a run for his money, etc., and having the heroine be cruel, vicious, petulant, and unwilling to give the hero a break. Said heroines are trying to the nerves, induce gritting of the teeth, etc.
4. Monogamy = good, faithlessness = bad. This rule is for protagonists only. The beauty of erotic romance is your secondary characters can get away with anything, so if a particularly kinky idea occurs to you, have the secondary characters indulge in it. But for protagonist…be careful! The hero and heroine cannot have sexual penetration with anyone else once they have met. If you allow that to happen, you will receive angry emails from women all over the world.
   That said, you CAN get away with sexual touching in sci-fi so long as it’s done properly. In the one series, for instance, there is something called a “Consummation Feast” where the heroine is brought to orgasm by the hands and mouths of five or more warriors before she’s given to her mate for penetration. In another series, there is the “linking” ritual which requires a male close to the hero to rub all over the heroine’s naked body while she’s orgasming. (You gotta love sci-fi!) If the otherworld you built for your fantasy/futuristic setting includes multi-partner relationships, that is not “cheating”.
5. Don’t always write perfect heroines. I can’t stress this enough. The occasional “babe” is okay, but they should be more of the exception to the rule than the rule itself. Write chubby heroines, passingly pretty heroines, average heroines, etc. , but not too many drop-dead gorgeous heroines. Remember that your readers include every race, every culture, every body type. Never refer to body fat in a bad way, for instance. Call it “pleasingly fleshly” or something of that nature.
6. Heroes are always tall, masculinely handsome (never pretty), muscular, and well-endowed. It doesn’t matter who his heroine is…the hero is always yummy. Best selling heroes are also slightly obsessive—women readers love territorial males who stake claims right off the bat and focus their energies on one woman.
7. Vamps, futuristic/sci-fi, and MaleDom bondage sell the best. [told you]
8. Always have a plot.